UPDATED - So I'm never sleeping again. OBVIOUSLY.

So I spent most of my day off Friday working a friend's farm while they had a huge Easter egg hunt with face painting and all sorts of fun stuff. It was a lot of fun, but also a lot of hard work. I was surprised at how sore my arms were the next day after hurling hundreds of plastic eggs on the ground. I crashed into bed early and expected to sleep in late, because I had to help a friend move the next day, and the dog I was dog sitting usually went pee about 6 AM and then I could go back to sleep.

Imagine my surprise at being awakened at 5:30 by a small tickle on my neck. A hair stuck under my pajamas, my fuzzy brain thought, and swatted it away. A few minutes later - another tickle. Must be a gnat or something, and gave the neck another scratch. A few minutes later - what the hell is on me? Grab my neck in my left hand and snap the light on with the right, and look at what was on me.

It was a tick. A tick. On my neck waking me up in the middle of the night tick.

So naturally I did what anyone else would do in this situation - I screamed and tried to crush it with my finger nails and it got away from me on the floor. I sat for a few minutes trying to calm down - and my internal dialog went a little something like this:

Self: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.

Self 2: Calm down. It's gone. It's just a little bug, you're fine.

Self: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE - HERE I'LL TEXT.... NO TOO FREAKED OUT TO TEXT NO ONE WILL GET IT FOR HOURS AND I NEED HELP NOW.

Self 2: You don't need help, you're fine. Shhhh.... there, there.

Self: I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE I'M CALLING MY MOTHER.

Self 2: You will worry your mother if you call her at this hour - calm down, everything's fine.

Self: EVERYTHING'S NOT FINE A TICK WAS ON ME AND HAD TO - WAIT WHERE THE HELL DID THE TICK COME FROM?

Self 2: The dog?

(Self looks over to the dog sleeping quietly, completely oblivious to my desperate plight) (P.S. The dog is an asshole who cares about no one.)

Self: IT CAN'T BE THE DOG IT'S AN INDOOR DOG IT WAS THE FARM! IT WAS THE FARM! I'M CALLING MY MOTHER!!!

Self 2: No, don't call your mother, oh look you're dialing the phone.

Mama: *snerfle* hello?

Self: EVERYTHING'S FINE I MEAN EVERYTHING IS SORT OF FINE, THERE WAS A TICK ON ME IN BED.

Mama: A tick? Oh honey that is upsetting. Has it burrowed in?

Self: NO I GOT IT OFF OF ME IT WOKE ME OUT OF A DEAD SLEEP AND I TRIED TO CRUSH IT BUT I DROPPED IT.

Mama: In the bed?

Self: NO ON THE FLOOR.

Mama: Oh no. Can you get a flashlight and look for it? Crushing it won't kill it. And you need to check the rest of yourself for ticks.

Self: HOLY SHIT THERE MAY BE MORE?

Mama: Calm down. You can feel them on yourself. Go look in the mirror.

(Self proceeds to strip with lightening fast speed and examine all nooks and crannies for offending vermin)

Self: I DON'T SEE ANY MORE.

Mama (slightly wistfully): Do you think you can go back to sleep?

Self starting to calm down and merge with Self 2: No.... I think I'll go take the dog for a walk.

P.S. The asshole dog was still doing nothing while I freaked out.

note i left for the roomstress.

Over and out. Tick free over and out.

UPDATED.

Getting ready for work this morning, I noticed a small speck on the wall. Haha, I thought to myself, how funny would be if that were the.... HOLY. SHIT.

It was the tick.

I frantically ran to scramble through the "what the hell is it" drawer in the kitchen desperately looking for tape. I found none, but remembered a roll of duct tape under the kitchen sink. Two seconds later, I had trapped:

the mother fucking tick.

So, again, naturally, I went running to show the Roomstress. Who was showering.

Me: REGINA. REGINA.

R: Yeah?

Me: I FOUND THE MOTHER FUCKING TICK.

R: What? You did? Where?

Me: ON MY WALL. I FOUND IT. HE'S RIGHT HERE.

R: WHAT? YOU HAVE IT?

Me: I HAVE IT STUCK TO SOME TAPE DO YOU WANT TO SEE IT?

R: NO!!!!! I'M SHOWERING!!! I DO NOT WANT TO SEE IT!

Me: HE'S RIGHT HERE! I FOUND HIM! I HAVE TO CALL MY MOTHER.

(dials frantically)

Dipsey: Hello?

Me: I FOUND THE TICK.

Dipsey: You did? Are you sure it's a tick?

Mama: Hello?

Me: I FOUND THE TICK. YES, DIPSEY IT IS A TICK.

And that's how my morning went. Pretty much.