Snow Day boredom buster - guaranteed!

I know, I know. I know all you moms and dads out there in TV land are dying to get out of the house without being obligated to assist with snowmen and snow angels. I know Melissa calls you daily and squelches the glimmer of hope you may have had in thinking the rugrats will be at their desks tomorrow. I know. And I'm sorry. But it's one of those times when I do want to take the time to say....

SUCK IT!!! I ain't got no kids! And when UT calls off school it means I get to sleep in and wake up and brave a few blocks of snow to find the one or two restaurants open downtown and have someone make me lovely food, and when I get to pal around with all my other downtown dwellers, and we all get excited and go take selfies with the Rowing Man on Gay Street. YEEE-HAW!!!!

But trust me, it gets old after awhile. For real.

Which is when, after pulling out every quilt and blanket I own and distributing it two a houseful of ladies snuggling down for a late afternoon chat-fest, I spied a Christmas gift from thoughtful friend Josh DeBord lying in a basket under my coffee table....

An MRE.

I've told this story about a bit, and am surprised at how few people know what an MRE is. It's a Meal Ready to Eat; distributed to our service men and women, but also airdropped to localities around the world in crisis. Which did perplex me because the whole thing was written in English - but whatever, they didn't ask my opinion on it. However, when we gave tip cards out at Disney World when I was a waitress there in the 90s and it was written in about twelve languages, but what do I know? ANYWAY.

It took some cajoling, but I knew one lady would need no convincing - adventurous Lola Alapo would be down with an MRE taste test - and she was! But despite a few good-natured complaints, once I passed out spoons and napkins, everyone was eager to get started (because the sooner we started, the sooner it would be over).

the spread

We started off slow - raisins.

Ladies all watching me hesitantly eat a few raisins from the pouch: What's it taste like?
Me: It tastes like raisins.
Johnna, tasting: Not very good raisins.

me looking for lola's expression.

here it is.

Next up: peas and spaghetti. Yes. That's right. Peas and spaghetti. Which sounded pretty gross and confusing until I opened up the packet and it was CHICK peas, not green peas. Makes a little more sense, maybe?

Me: I think these people are confused about what peas are.
Johnna, spilling peas and spaghetti all on herself: DAMMIT, I'm in the desert starving to death and I still managed to spill food all over myself!!!

you can take the girl out of loudon county, but you can't take the loudon county out of the girl.

Next, there were two packets of crackers, two packets of strawberry jam and one packet of peanut butter so I figured that it was meant to eat those all together. I followed the directions on the peanut butter and kneaded it before I opened it, but the strawberry jam had no such instructions and as such I was unpleasantly surprised to get strawberry jam water instead of jam. My accomplices admonished me to knead anything that was kneadable before opening.

Me: I don't like that jam.
Sharon: hey where's the cracker? I haven't tasted it yet! Is it gone?
Me: Lola! You ate the whole thing? YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SHARE. We are starving in the desert and  you hog the whole thing!
Johnna: the jam's not bad. I mean, it's not Smuckers, it's more like Food City brand jam. You're just used to homemade jam, Megan.

may be the first time i've ever consumed anything containing peanut butter with this much hesitation.

johnna with non-smuckers jam

Next: bean salad. This is by far the best of the bunch, and universally is agreed as the winner thus far.

shannon enjoying a heaping helping of bean salad.

Lastly, we have oatmeal cookies. Oats were the fifth ingredient listed. I don't think they understand what "oatmeal" cookie means.

puff, puff, passing the gross cookie.

After we ate, it was determined that maybe it would all be more appetizing if we actually PLATED it and saw what it looked like.

it didn't work.

Me: It's all so.... brown.
Sharon: It looked more appetizing in the pouch when you couldn't see what you were eating.

We then took a look at what Johnna coined the "accessory pack." It included pack each of sugar, salt, crushed red pepper, a DQ Blizzard spoon, a book of matches and one wet wipe. Johnna had a lot to say about the accessory pack.

Johnna: Look at this. One wet wipe? This is supposed to be a meal for a day, right? What am I supposed to do, cut this into thirds and wipe my hands before each meal? Who wanted these in here, Halliburton? If I'm starving in the dessert do you really think I'm going to keep up with hygiene and save the bit of wet wipe throughout the day? And why not three DQ Blizzard spoons? And this red pepper - look what's on the front of the package - a piece of pizza, a hamburger and a beer. Do they think that's what's inside? See, if I got this I'd be mad because I'd know that's what all the AMERICANS are dining on tonight and I have fricking bean salad. And what's the sugar for? To help those sad little raisins?

johnna's review of an mre. she was on a roll.

We also noticed the pack of matches and thought that might be included to help heat the food up, so I tried it.

didn't help.

In the end, we determined that although not the tastiest thing we've ever tried, it was a good experience and a fun way to pass the snowy day. And would be exceptionally delicious when stranded in the desert.

All I got for today. Over and out.

When life is sometimes like the movies

You ever have those moments when you feel like you're acting in front of a live studio audience and you better act right or no one will laugh? I had that the other day recently.

It started innocently enough.

Friend Jonathan and I had gone to a couple of events when he asked me to come with him to other friend Shannon's (who is on vacation) loft and check on her daughter's hamster, Speedo. We also, as is our custom, take photos of ourselves holding bottles of whiskey in your bed when you go out of town, and I for one am all about upholding tradition. I didn't say it was a sensible custom.

Me: Why? What's wrong with Speedo?
J: Well, she's not moved all day.
Me: Have you not fed her?
J: Of course I fed her! I checked on her this morning and she hadn't moved all night.
Me: Did you touch her?
J: NO!

After some chat along those lines, we determined that Speedo needed a visit but since we wanted to send Shannon a whisky-bed-pic, we could kill two hamsters with one stone. I MEAN. Birds. Yeah, that's it... birds.

Upon entering Shannon's I went to check on Speedo while Jonathan went to find a bottle of whiskey in the kitchen.

Here's the part when I started looking for a hidden camera.

Me (opening cage slowly): Speedo?
J (coming in from the kitchen with a bottle of whiskey): Don't open the door! What if she jumps out?
Me: I don't think she's gonna jump out.
J: Oh no, really? (two of us bend and peer at Speedo's lifeless corpse)
Me: Touch her.
J: YOU touch her!
Me: Speedo? (poke, poke) Oh Jonathan, she's dead.
J: Oh my god. What are we going to do?
Me: WE? I wasn't in charge of Speedo!!
J: Should I call Shannon?
Me: We should get rid of her. She'll start to smell before they get home.
J: Should we try to find a Speedo 2 and just play it off like nothing ever happened?
Me: Let's text Shannon.
J: (texting furiously) Oh whew, she says she's OK telling Anna Corinne that Speedo's gone to hamster heaven.... holy crap - she asks us to bury her in the Emporium Courtyard! We have to bury a hamster?
Me: What's with the WE??
J: Actually.... we could do a funeral for Speedo. And have a little coffin and GASP - a little tombstone made!
Me: I have a book of common prayer. We could use it. We'd have to get some flowers.
J: We could make this good.
Me: We could do it tomorrow night before Monday night happy hour and invite other mourners!
J: This is going to happen. OK, let's go take this picture. I gotta get home.
Me: I don't know... sending a whiskey picture text right after the dead hamster news feels.... inappropriate? What would Emily Post do?
J: Let's take it and send it tomorrow.
Me: Good idea.

In the end, we did have a decent funeral and Speedo is now resting in peace. But I forgot the coffin box I was going to use at work, and forgot flowers so I had to wrap Speedo in a paper towel and picked some pansies off a planter on Gay Street to place on her. Oh, and I was chided for not wearing funeral clothes to the hamster funeral and we never found a shovel so we had to dig the grave with a serving spoon (I threw it away, Mama.) Also, no one came. Also please note that it was my job to serve as pallbearer and generally do all things that had to do with handling the dead hamster. JONATHAN.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSVn4ChuGls

No words. All I got for today. Over and out!

Purple Rain, you are sending a terrible message to the youth of today.

The other day I was channel surfing with the DJ Smith and we came across, what he deemed to be, a honey of a movie. Purple Rain. He was incensed that I'd never seen the whole thing before (I only watched part of it on a satellite channel when it came out at a friend's house but her mother caught us watching and made short work of that. Sorry, Rosemary. PS what I saw was terribly confusing at the time but makes a lot more sense now. That part was cut for TV so I'm guessing it didn't make it past the rated R censors. And Rosemary, good call on making us change the channel.)

In the interest of full disclosure, we missed the very first part of the movie. But please, allow me to share some takeaways.

me watching this whole train wreck of a movie that is purple rain

The first scene was see is the two of them driving somewhere on Prince's motorcycle. Ok, but wear a helmet, fools. I just checked and Minnesota doesn't have a helmet law for adult riders - oh yeah, the movie is set in Minneapolis. PLEASE. And the first words I hear Apollonia say is that she left NEW ORLEANS to come to MINNEAPOLIS to become a star. Pfffft. Girl, you did your homework backwards. And Minnesota, work on helmet laws.

Next, he tells her to go jump in a lake. Now, that may not be the words he used but that's what he wanted her to do. CUPCAKE, HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBIES. And you just let him! All like, "Hey I got this whole 'hard to get thing NAILED.'" *pulls off uncomfortable looking pleather outfit and jumps in lake like Tarzan* You have officially lost all good sense. Then he tells her that's not the lake he wanted her to jump in. Dumb.

shoulda seen that one comin' sister.

Now, things really start to make me mad. Stupid Prince gets on his obvious evidence of little man syndrome and DRIVES OFF. I was pretty sure he'd come back and get her but I was still mad on her behalf. PRINCE, WHERE DID MANNERS MISS YOU THAT DAY? So he comes back but does that whole "hey get on" *gun the gas* thing two or three times. Sweetie, I get annoyed at the checkout guy at Moe's when he does that with my credit card when I'm trying to pay for my Homewrecker, Jr with guacamole. Tell me who told you this was endearing because I want to scrub their face off with a fresh sheet of sandpaper.

would you like some queso with your chips, ma'am?

Prince takes Apollonia to his house and then takes her into his basement room. Ok. I get that I live in the south, and our winter's are mild, but I'm pretty sure that I remember from my vast reading (and rereading SHHH ROOMSTRESS KEEP MY SECRET SAFE!!!) of Laura Ingalls Wilder that Minnesota is as cold as a witch's teat. So WHY do you live in a damn walk-out basement and go in and out of those huge glass windows? Was insulation not invented in the 80s?

They proceed to get it on. The next day she brings back a PRESENT to Prince (HARD TO GET, what is so hard for you to learn about this concept?) of a very expensive guitar and he returns a hoop earring from his ear that was probably from Claire's at the mall. BAD TRADE. She goes on to tell him she got a job and HE SMACKS HER INTO NEXT WEEK.

wut.

I think I screamed and threw something at the TV right about then. She gets up and stomps off, but pssst! Apollonia I think you timed that exit about 48 hours too late. DON'T LET MEN TREAT YOU AS SUCH. Lessons. Good things. Learn, Apollonia, LEARN!!!

Who's with me????

*this guy*

Prince goes to see her new show (Apollonia Six, and there's only three of them in the group and I HESITATE to venture a guess on what SIX we're referring to but my god women, have a little self-respect) And while I'm watching I'm pondering on the meaning of the 'six' when those three get on the stage and take off their clothes. MA'AMs. YOU ARE IN YOUR UNDERTHINGS. Do you see the dollar bills being waved about? Your act has accidentally been taken as a strip show. Hmm... why I wonder? OH, MAYBE IT'S THE UNDERWEAR.

Gah. I can't even. Then as the curtain falls, dumb Apollonia sees Prince and is all happy he's there and tugging on her Zales special earring and as far as I can tell he's not apologized to her for nuttin'. Lord girl. I hope you're on some good birth control and getting your daddy issues in check.

Not to mention, Prince doesn't listen to the girls in the band about wanting to include a song they wrote (sexist) or the fact that he smashed up his own house in a fit of rage when for Pete's sake you're just going to have to clean all that mess up right after, so show a little self control (rage issues).

but admittedly, some sweet dance moves. i am not made of stone.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. LITERALLY. ALL Y'ALL FOOLS.

Dear Prince,

Purple Rain has not aged well. Really not in keeping with the times.

i know. i'm shocked too.

This got me thinking though - what movies did I watch and watch and rewatch, and then watch some more? Were their meanings and plot lines as base and sexist and... and... and... really bad acting?

Two came to mind immediately: Singles and Clueless. And I thought about it. Both movies about looking for love and not settling for less than what you deserve. About improving yourself in healthy, organic, positive ways (except for you Debbie, but your dating video is a thing of beauty) and helping each other and bettering your community and those around you. When Cher gets accosted by her designated driver does she stand for that? NO! She gets out of the car! When Janet realizes that her boyfriend doesn't even meet her minimal standard for dating (saying bless you when she sneezes) does she stick around? HECK NO!

THIS I CAN GET BEHIND. BOOM.

Oh and the acting isn't horrid either.

being alone. there's a certain dignity to it.

And just a little bit of this:

way to woo a lady...

And this scene? Totally believable:

way more believable than apollonia ever. oh wait. she never says "get off me" to a dude so we have no basis for comparison.

And again, just a little bit of this:

tee hee!

And there you have it. Movie review 101 by yours truly.

Over and out!