Purple Rain, you are sending a terrible message to the youth of today.

The other day I was channel surfing with the DJ Smith and we came across, what he deemed to be, a honey of a movie. Purple Rain. He was incensed that I'd never seen the whole thing before (I only watched part of it on a satellite channel when it came out at a friend's house but her mother caught us watching and made short work of that. Sorry, Rosemary. PS what I saw was terribly confusing at the time but makes a lot more sense now. That part was cut for TV so I'm guessing it didn't make it past the rated R censors. And Rosemary, good call on making us change the channel.)

In the interest of full disclosure, we missed the very first part of the movie. But please, allow me to share some takeaways.

me watching this whole train wreck of a movie that is purple rain

The first scene was see is the two of them driving somewhere on Prince's motorcycle. Ok, but wear a helmet, fools. I just checked and Minnesota doesn't have a helmet law for adult riders - oh yeah, the movie is set in Minneapolis. PLEASE. And the first words I hear Apollonia say is that she left NEW ORLEANS to come to MINNEAPOLIS to become a star. Pfffft. Girl, you did your homework backwards. And Minnesota, work on helmet laws.

Next, he tells her to go jump in a lake. Now, that may not be the words he used but that's what he wanted her to do. CUPCAKE, HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBIES. And you just let him! All like, "Hey I got this whole 'hard to get thing NAILED.'" *pulls off uncomfortable looking pleather outfit and jumps in lake like Tarzan* You have officially lost all good sense. Then he tells her that's not the lake he wanted her to jump in. Dumb.

shoulda seen that one comin' sister.

Now, things really start to make me mad. Stupid Prince gets on his obvious evidence of little man syndrome and DRIVES OFF. I was pretty sure he'd come back and get her but I was still mad on her behalf. PRINCE, WHERE DID MANNERS MISS YOU THAT DAY? So he comes back but does that whole "hey get on" *gun the gas* thing two or three times. Sweetie, I get annoyed at the checkout guy at Moe's when he does that with my credit card when I'm trying to pay for my Homewrecker, Jr with guacamole. Tell me who told you this was endearing because I want to scrub their face off with a fresh sheet of sandpaper.

would you like some queso with your chips, ma'am?

Prince takes Apollonia to his house and then takes her into his basement room. Ok. I get that I live in the south, and our winter's are mild, but I'm pretty sure that I remember from my vast reading (and rereading SHHH ROOMSTRESS KEEP MY SECRET SAFE!!!) of Laura Ingalls Wilder that Minnesota is as cold as a witch's teat. So WHY do you live in a damn walk-out basement and go in and out of those huge glass windows? Was insulation not invented in the 80s?

They proceed to get it on. The next day she brings back a PRESENT to Prince (HARD TO GET, what is so hard for you to learn about this concept?) of a very expensive guitar and he returns a hoop earring from his ear that was probably from Claire's at the mall. BAD TRADE. She goes on to tell him she got a job and HE SMACKS HER INTO NEXT WEEK.

wut.

I think I screamed and threw something at the TV right about then. She gets up and stomps off, but pssst! Apollonia I think you timed that exit about 48 hours too late. DON'T LET MEN TREAT YOU AS SUCH. Lessons. Good things. Learn, Apollonia, LEARN!!!

Who's with me????

*this guy*

Prince goes to see her new show (Apollonia Six, and there's only three of them in the group and I HESITATE to venture a guess on what SIX we're referring to but my god women, have a little self-respect) And while I'm watching I'm pondering on the meaning of the 'six' when those three get on the stage and take off their clothes. MA'AMs. YOU ARE IN YOUR UNDERTHINGS. Do you see the dollar bills being waved about? Your act has accidentally been taken as a strip show. Hmm... why I wonder? OH, MAYBE IT'S THE UNDERWEAR.

Gah. I can't even. Then as the curtain falls, dumb Apollonia sees Prince and is all happy he's there and tugging on her Zales special earring and as far as I can tell he's not apologized to her for nuttin'. Lord girl. I hope you're on some good birth control and getting your daddy issues in check.

Not to mention, Prince doesn't listen to the girls in the band about wanting to include a song they wrote (sexist) or the fact that he smashed up his own house in a fit of rage when for Pete's sake you're just going to have to clean all that mess up right after, so show a little self control (rage issues).

but admittedly, some sweet dance moves. i am not made of stone.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. LITERALLY. ALL Y'ALL FOOLS.

Dear Prince,

Purple Rain has not aged well. Really not in keeping with the times.

i know. i'm shocked too.

This got me thinking though - what movies did I watch and watch and rewatch, and then watch some more? Were their meanings and plot lines as base and sexist and... and... and... really bad acting?

Two came to mind immediately: Singles and Clueless. And I thought about it. Both movies about looking for love and not settling for less than what you deserve. About improving yourself in healthy, organic, positive ways (except for you Debbie, but your dating video is a thing of beauty) and helping each other and bettering your community and those around you. When Cher gets accosted by her designated driver does she stand for that? NO! She gets out of the car! When Janet realizes that her boyfriend doesn't even meet her minimal standard for dating (saying bless you when she sneezes) does she stick around? HECK NO!

THIS I CAN GET BEHIND. BOOM.

Oh and the acting isn't horrid either.

being alone. there's a certain dignity to it.

And just a little bit of this:

way to woo a lady...

And this scene? Totally believable:

way more believable than apollonia ever. oh wait. she never says "get off me" to a dude so we have no basis for comparison.

And again, just a little bit of this:

tee hee!

And there you have it. Movie review 101 by yours truly.

Over and out!