When life is sometimes like the movies

You ever have those moments when you feel like you're acting in front of a live studio audience and you better act right or no one will laugh? I had that the other day recently.

It started innocently enough.

Friend Jonathan and I had gone to a couple of events when he asked me to come with him to other friend Shannon's (who is on vacation) loft and check on her daughter's hamster, Speedo. We also, as is our custom, take photos of ourselves holding bottles of whiskey in your bed when you go out of town, and I for one am all about upholding tradition. I didn't say it was a sensible custom.

Me: Why? What's wrong with Speedo?
J: Well, she's not moved all day.
Me: Have you not fed her?
J: Of course I fed her! I checked on her this morning and she hadn't moved all night.
Me: Did you touch her?
J: NO!

After some chat along those lines, we determined that Speedo needed a visit but since we wanted to send Shannon a whisky-bed-pic, we could kill two hamsters with one stone. I MEAN. Birds. Yeah, that's it... birds.

Upon entering Shannon's I went to check on Speedo while Jonathan went to find a bottle of whiskey in the kitchen.

Here's the part when I started looking for a hidden camera.

Me (opening cage slowly): Speedo?
J (coming in from the kitchen with a bottle of whiskey): Don't open the door! What if she jumps out?
Me: I don't think she's gonna jump out.
J: Oh no, really? (two of us bend and peer at Speedo's lifeless corpse)
Me: Touch her.
J: YOU touch her!
Me: Speedo? (poke, poke) Oh Jonathan, she's dead.
J: Oh my god. What are we going to do?
Me: WE? I wasn't in charge of Speedo!!
J: Should I call Shannon?
Me: We should get rid of her. She'll start to smell before they get home.
J: Should we try to find a Speedo 2 and just play it off like nothing ever happened?
Me: Let's text Shannon.
J: (texting furiously) Oh whew, she says she's OK telling Anna Corinne that Speedo's gone to hamster heaven.... holy crap - she asks us to bury her in the Emporium Courtyard! We have to bury a hamster?
Me: What's with the WE??
J: Actually.... we could do a funeral for Speedo. And have a little coffin and GASP - a little tombstone made!
Me: I have a book of common prayer. We could use it. We'd have to get some flowers.
J: We could make this good.
Me: We could do it tomorrow night before Monday night happy hour and invite other mourners!
J: This is going to happen. OK, let's go take this picture. I gotta get home.
Me: I don't know... sending a whiskey picture text right after the dead hamster news feels.... inappropriate? What would Emily Post do?
J: Let's take it and send it tomorrow.
Me: Good idea.

In the end, we did have a decent funeral and Speedo is now resting in peace. But I forgot the coffin box I was going to use at work, and forgot flowers so I had to wrap Speedo in a paper towel and picked some pansies off a planter on Gay Street to place on her. Oh, and I was chided for not wearing funeral clothes to the hamster funeral and we never found a shovel so we had to dig the grave with a serving spoon (I threw it away, Mama.) Also, no one came. Also please note that it was my job to serve as pallbearer and generally do all things that had to do with handling the dead hamster. JONATHAN.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSVn4ChuGls

No words. All I got for today. Over and out!