Bloody Mary (Ann)

So I realize that during the winter folks in this area have to deal with a lot of critters in the house - lady bugs, stink bugs, etc. And since Mama and the Dipper live in the woods, they have to deal with an ESPECIAL lot of bugs in the house during the winter months. Or we could blame Mama's skills as a domestic goddess, but let's not, shall we?

Mama being the tender-hearted lovely lady she is used to brush the offending critters onto a piece of paper and empty them out a window or door. The Dipper, as a killer or God's creatures, has never suffered such an affliction, and can usually be found with a roll of tape in his hands, taping up beetles and bugs and tossing the offending creatures into the trash. Mama would often bewail the poor insects in the trash, being taped to death among other bits of debris.

Until recently that is. The overwhelming stink bug population just became too much. So Mama got her....

A DUSTBUSTER. Cue Bloody Mary (Ann).

So now phone conversations with Mama go something like this:

Me: So we're still on for lunch tomorrow, right?

BM(A): Mmm-hmm, one sec, stink bug....

(Dustbuster whirs in the background)

MB(A): Got him. Sorry, what were you saying?

Or, if I'm on the phone with both Mama and the Dipper:

Me: Hey, I have some great new-

BM(A): STINK BUG!!!!

(phone clatters to the floor and the Dipper and I listen in stunned silence to the whir of the Dustbuster in the background)

BM(A): Got him. Sorry, what were you saying?

Which is why last night's phone conversation was no surprise:

Me: So how was your trip?

BM(A): Good - oh, stink bug!

(Dustbuster whirs in background)

BM(A): Huh. He got away. He was at the top of the light fixture but when I got over there with the Dustbuster I must have knocked him back in. I'll get him though, I can see him in the light.

Me: My money's on you.

BM(A): I know! Heh, heh, heh! Anyway, what were you saying?

Me: I was asking about your trip. You had a good time?

BM(A): Oh yes, we had such a good time. I had such a nice visit catching - OH! There he is!

(Phone clatters, Dusbuster whirs)

BM(A): I missed him AGAIN! He's back in the light now.

Me: 0 for two? You're off your game.

BM(A): I must be. Maybe it's jet lag. Anyway, yes, the funeral was very nice, and it was very well attended. Do you remember Murray? He died when you were about eleven - there he is again!

(Phone clatters, Dusbuster whirs)

BM(A): Darn it I missed him again! He saw me coming with the Dustbuster and crawled back in the light!

Me: Wait a minute. They're LEARNING?

BM(A): They must be. As soon as I started walking over there with the Dustbuster, he crawled back in.

Me: Holy shit, Mama. THEY'RE LEARNING. You have to get out of the house.

BM(A): Oh don't be ridiculous.

Me: I'm serious, Mama! It's cockroaches that will inherit the earth after we kill the ozone layer once and for all! He's going to murder you in your sleep! GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.

BM(A): You and your father. Always overreacting. OH! THERE HE IS AGAIN.

In other news, I have no more news. Over and out for another week.