Just running away/Here's your sign

Mornings are the worst. Which is odd, and  unusual, because I am a morning person. My mother has a theory that the medicine is all gone by morning, and I therefore wake up often ill-equipped to begin the day. But begin it I insist on... but there are days I just want to run away and hide where no one can find me.

Usually, that's a bad thing. But occaisonally it can be good. It all depends on what I'm running toward.

Actual conversation with Regina Sunday morning after accidentally waking her with my loud noises at the crack of dawn to run a half marathon as part of a two-person relay:

Regina: Good luck today.
Me: I'm scared.
Regina: You're scared? Why? What are you afraid of?
Me: I'm scared I'm going to see the haters at the race. I'm afraid to go out there. I don't know what I'll do if I see anyone. I'm scared.
Regina: Well... if you see anyone, just run.

Which turned out to be excellent advice even though it should have been painfully obvious.

So out of the loft I went, double fisting water and Gatorade. And I waited in the corral in the chilly morning air, trying to make myself as small and invisible as possible. And the race started, and I did as Regina said: I ran.

Maybe it was the dark. Maybe it was the chill in the air. Maybe it was because the morning medicine hadn't kicked in yet. But I couldn't shake the fear. I ran, knowing that the haters hated for a reason, and that reason was me. Knowing, and trying to push away knowledge that they were right. I deserve to be hated. Trying to grasp the fact that I was a hater too, and the biggest hater I have these days was myself. And then trying to push that away. Rinse, and repeat.

Around mile seven is the hardest part of the race. It's a huge hill and very few people make it all the way up without stopping for a breather. About a third of the way up, I saw two women sitting with a sign that said MEGAN on it. Maybe this will help, I thought, I'm going to pretend that sign is for me. So I kept my eyes on it and kept running. And as I got closer, I realized...

The sign was for me.

Friends Sharon and Edee jumped up when they recognized me and cheered me on. This is the hardest part of running; wanting to stop and say OH MY GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH, but knowing if I did Edee and Sharon would be like HEY DUMMY IT'S A RACE KEEP GOING.

And voila, the fear was gone. I stopped being scared and thought instead what I would wear to brunch that afternoon. I finished my half in good time, passed off my baton to my partner, Monty, and headed home to get cleaned up.

Here is me and Monty finishing our race.

i went with a black sundress for brunch. no one rocks ridiculous better than i do.

Monty, thank you for asking me to run with you. I needed the push. Regina, thank you for making me leave the loft that morning, and for your words of wisdom regarding races. Edee and Sharon, thank you thank you, more than you know.