Diversions, indeed...

Don't get me wrong. I'm all about a good time. And I love to travel and spend time with friends and family. But when I realized that two trips I very much wanted to take butted up to each other... even I was a bit abashed at the thought of taking two and a half weeks off of work.

All at once.

Right there mashed up together.

In fact I was going to have to leave my family beach vacation a day early in order to get back to Knoxville in time to catch my flight to Scotland.

Scotland. I went to Scotland!

BUT. First things first. In Scotland, they call things funny names. Like, they called "stepping off the train," "alighting." They called "garbage truck," "bin lorry." They called "detours," "diversions." And that's what I called this two and a half week detour from the day-to-day, it was my DIVERSION.

DIVERSION, FORTHWITH!!!

Beach time!

yea! another fun year!

The most fun thing we did (besides sleeping late, pool time, walks on the beach, etc.) was Benny and I took the kids to a pirate show.

the 5 'ARRRRS' of pirating: aye, avast, ahoy, arrrghh... and i can't remember the last one.

Too soon, it was time to leave my beach family and head home - for one night only! - and get packed up for Scotland. The Roomstress was presenting a poster at a conference with her superstar co-conspirator I MEAN, writer, RFM. We were to meet her in Edinburgh in two days. R was charged with actually carrying the poster, which she kept leaving in various and sundry places, so I carried it for her. Now, I'm a terrible flyer. TERRIBLE. And I'll pretty much do anything to distract myself when waiting on a plane. So it wasn't too much of a stretch before this happened.

seemed logical to me.

But in no time at all, we were in Scotland!

totally jetlagged - slept on a tour bus when we couldn't get into our hotel early.

Initially, I was super unimpressed at how much it was like home.

power t beer at a pub the first night

i was unaware that pizza was american. thanks for the intel, scotland. 

they had my favorite flower everywhere

And some things were the same, but only CALLED different things.

by 'strong cheese and onion' they mean 'sour cream and onion,' and by 'roast ox' they mean 'bbq.' 

by all of this they either mean 'ketchup' or 'all grossness.'

And the hotel? Nothing like I've ever seen before.

from our hotel room onto the street. it's where everyone in scotland gathered to smoke. every night. at 4 am. right when the some comes up. 

After a good night's sleep (where the sun goes down at 10 PM and comes up at 4 AM WHAT THE WHAT) We sallied forth to Edinburgh Castle.

fan-cee

it was old and stuff

self-guided tour selfie!

this we took outside their memorial for soldiers that died in ww i and ii. it was only after we had this taken that i saw a sign that asked that people not take pictures of the memorial out of respect. i tried to citizen's arrest regina but she insisted i wasn't up on all my scottish rules and regs and i was probably doing it wrong so i let it go. 

One afternoon we tour the Royal Yacht Britannia. That was super fun.

after we passed the fourth or fifth bar, regina made note that those royals sure were a bunch of sots.

ding ding! on the royal deck. 

We also found this chart to be of spectacular use. We're going to memorize these and make a whole bunch of tiny flags and use them to communicate in office meetings.

my favorites are 'you are running into danger' and 'i require a tug.'

The fabulous RFM joined us for a tour of the royal palace, Holyrood. (Or as I kept shouting out, "WELCOME TO HOLLYROOD!") That and I tried to ring the doorbell. And is it just me or does the Queen need to update the decor? I also asked a guide on the tour if he got super annoyed when the royals came for a stay because it sure seemed like a lot of work.

ruins, although impressive, are still just an old pile of bricks that nobody uses or takes care of but makes a bunch of money.

this chick coined the phrase 'talk to the hand'

When Regina was off conferring, I was on my own! One day, I hiked up to the top of Andrew's Seat, the only thing I was awake for on the bus tour the first day. UPDATE - a reader noted that it's ARTHUR'S Seat, not Andrew's. Which, since I called it Andrew's Bald for the first few days (they are BALDS in East Tennessee) is really a victory that I got at least half of it right, but THANK YOU for the correction, Margaret!)

incredible view from the top

fried haggis ball at library conference reception

After the conference, we left Edinburgh for Glasgow. First stop?

clean clothes

We took tours two days, one to see the lochs, and one to see the fishing villages and coast. We had the same guide both days, Grant Scott. Or as we liked to call him, G-Scott. And by the by, I did not know that "loch" meant "lake" and from now on am referring to our local watering hole as Fort Loudon Loch. 

what up, home fry?

G-Scott was awesome. He told stories while he drove the bus, and was very kind in his refusal when I asked if I could try driving on the backwards car. I tried to insist that Discover Scotland tours would WANT me to have that experience, but he insisted not. He played music too, and Regina entertained the whole bus by singing along with "You take the high road, and I'll take the low road" (which I had never heard) but entertained the whole bus (two days in a row, I might add) in turn with my vigorous sing-a-long to "Drunken Scotsman." I almost fell out of my seat when on day two he started another Scottish ditty and insisted that everyone sing who knew the song and he played "I'm gonna be (500 miles)" by the Proclaimers. THOSE SCOTS. 

At the Glencoe, Regina took a picture of me and showed it to me later because "I looked mad." I wasn't mad, I was trying to to cry because it was just so incredibly beautiful.

also known as resting bitch face

We also went to see if Nessie wanted to make an appearance.

on the lookout for a loch monster

Lochs are BIG. Our lakes are babies in comparison. I couldn't get over how vast they all felt. 

more ruins

loch ness duck

g-scott and a highland coo

The next day, G-Scott took us to St. Andrew's and the coast.

robinson crusoe statue. also the same village where regina and i split a fish and chips that was so delicious we ate it like sister monica joan and chummy would, gobbling it up so quickly in order to shove more in your throat.

teeny tine me determined to touch scottish sea

st. andrew's by the sea

they see me rollin'. they be hatin'.

obligatory golf picture

Lastly, we had to return to Edinburgh to catch our flight out. I had seen this Ferris Wheel in the city, and kept saying I wanted to ride it, but we never had a chance. So, when we returned to Edinburgh, we checked our luggage at the train station and went to go for a spin. It was when the wheel rose and stopped for about an hour at the tippy top that I remembered I was afraid of heights and Regina remembered she got motion sickness. She also took that opportunity to point out that the little jaunt to ride the Ferris Wheel, between storing luggage and tickets, was running us about $45. 

one terrified photo i managed to take. $45 in action, folks.

And then, all too soon:

Wait! Wait, wait!!!

The diversion continues.

Because....

DJ BENNY SMITH ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM AND I SAID YES. ACTUALLY I SAID HELL YES BUT LET'S NOT SPLIT HAIRS HERE.

Now I have a wedding to plan, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it. I MEAN. Just the wedding part. I'm giddy I'm so happy, and I'm over the moon. YEA ME.

So there you go. That's all I got for today, but believe me when I say it's enough. Over and out.

me and my boo