UPDATED: Childless Wonder

Honestly, it breaks my heart to write this. It does. But I took a quick straw poll this morning, and I found out that I'm not alone.

I cry every time a friend announces that they're pregnant.

Every.

Single.

Time.

And not in a good "oh I'm so happy for you!" way. And not in a few tears squeaked out the corners of my eyes that I dab away and go on about my day. Sometimes it's worse to find it out through something impersonal like Facebook, and sometimes it's worse when you hear it in person and you have to spend the rest of the evening biting the inside of your mouth to keep a smile on your face.

Which explains my morning sobbing on the bathroom floor. OBVIOUSLY.

It's not that I'm not happy for my friends. I am. And I'll say the right things and throw baby showers and be the first one to the hospital and the first one to arrive with a casserole. I will. I have. I do. I will again.

But... it's hard knowing that it'll never be me.

It'll never be me.

No pictures of growing tummies, no daddy-to-be waiting to patiently wait to feel a kick, no sonogram photos to tape to the fridge, no excitement of a big fat changing body, no eagerly anticipating a big announcement to parents, none of it.

It'll never be me. It just won't.

Several years ago I was at the doctor and she was trying to figure out what was going on with my insides, and she gave me a sonogram. She was surprised, and kind of fought me when I asked for the pictures. But I insisted, and she finally gave me a printout. Might be my only time to advertise my insides.

But I'm not alone! There are the other childless wonders out there who cry at pregnant announcements. That helps. It doesn't fix anything. But it's comforting to not be alone.

It takes me by surprise honestly. It's a sudden kick in the teeth, like someone heavy just sat on my chest. I don't see it coming - I hear the good word and the next minute I'm bawling like my life is over. I don't understand it. I'm not jealous. I don't covet others' happiness. I don't get it. But apparently it's a thing.

Not alone. I tell you what is alone though:

my insides

UPDATED: I adopted two kittens tonight. I'm *pretty sure* one has nothing to do with the other.