And Ms. Venable wins the day

Actual conversation with a clerk at the DMV:

Clerk: How can I help you?

Me: Hi there. I'm here to renew and change the name on my driver's license, please.

Clerk: Oh you got married! Congratulations!

Me: Actually - ha - no, I got divorced.

Clerk: OH! Well, congratulations, honey.

Me: Thank you.

Clerk: I got divorced once. MEN. Honey, I could write a BOOK.

Me: I could be your editor.

Clerk: Well, we got a lot to update here then. It says here on your old drivers license you weigh 130 pounds, and I know that can't be right. How much you weigh?

Me: Actually - ha - I weigh a 140 pounds now.

Clerk: (mouth agape)

Me: I have big bones.

Clerk: (typing furiously) Honey, you just lost five pounds.

Me: Oh, thank you!

Clerk: OK go stand over there and I'll take your picture. (snap) Oh honey, you are gonna looooove this picture! And sign here, here and here. This'll update your voter registration. One stop shopping! Makes it easy. I'da taken my maiden name back in a heartbeat if I didn't have a little girl. He didn't understand that either. He's like, I don't GET why you don't change your name back. MEN. Ok, MS. VENABLE, you're all set, honey. Anything else I can do for you?

Me: A high five would be great.

Clerk: Up top.

Winning.

In other news, it's time for What the Hell Wednesday. And no it's not a repeat of last week.

Skipping down the street running errands today, I took a moment to dash into my apartment office and meet the new front desk lady, Rachel. She was the one I had to call last week and explain about the bathroom mushroom and I wanted to pop in and meet her and explain that I really truly am not a crazy person, or a gross dirty person, just a simple lady who has a small mushroom issue in her water closet. Because I had to call her again this morning to tell her the mushrooms are growing again. Evidently, I'm a very good mushroom farmer, because I have a bumper crop. Which is ironic because I kill most plants (just ask Mama. I once killed a whole tree.)

I walk in and am patiently waiting to be noticed and I overheard:

Rachel: Hey, Ronny, that lady from 207 called again. The mushrooms are back.

Me: That's me! I came down in person to show you that I'm really not a crazy person or a gross dirty person. I'm so sorry! In other news, my garbage disposal is also broken.

Rachel: It is? Did you put a spoon down it?

Me: No. I looked. (I lied. I mean I checked AFTER it conked out, but not before. Tee hee! Pants on Fire!)

Rachel: What about a screw?

Me: A screw?

Rachel: Yeah I found one in a disposal once and so now I always ask.

Me: Good thinking, but no.

Rachel: So about these mushrooms... What are you doing in there?

Me: Making LSD? (Seriously, I read Go Ask Alice at a tender young age and never fooled around with that shit. I'm not sure if that was an appropriate reference or not, but it made Rachel laugh. And laughing is always good.)

In any event, I give you, my latest harvest of mushrooms:

taken at 7:30 last night

10:30 last night

and this morning. these are some fast workers, ya'll. not wasting any time. 

I'll let you know how the de-shrooming goes. Hopefully as smoothly as the de-Smithing went.

Lastly, I leave you with this. Photo of me and Mama courtesy of Lucy at lunch today.

i think we were boring her. whatever she takes photos of, she takes a hundred photos of, and there are twelve shots of me and mama's feet on my phone right now. i like to give the children my phone and then go through it and laugh at what all they took photos of. and to make sure they didn't accidentally email something untoward.

Ms. Venable says over and out.