Seriously, TVA and I fair. Some things should really just go ahead and stay the same.

So the fair just left town last night, and I'm kinda sad about it. The fair is just so much fun. It's like Disney World but way dirtier and more dangerous (and therefore more fun. It's as if dirt and danger are proportional to how much fun it can be. GASP. I think I just figured out a danger equation!!) I love those carnival rides, and the Fairest of the Fair is always a good place to spot the beauty queens from the ones who are frantically grinning toothily with a "I'mma KILL Mama for making me do this!!!" glint in their eyes, and I love wandering through the barns looking at livestock, and I always want to see what the 4-H kids have come up with this year, and I love marveling over the largest pumpkin and gourd and who all had the best berries, jams, runner beans and place setting, and you know post corndog and cotton candy I will be getting my ass on the Scrambler and see if my stomach is still cast in iron (it is).

But this year five things happened to me that have made me question the Fair. And when one questions the fair, it shakes one's foundation to the very bedrock of their being.

Number one! Arrived and ate copious amounts of junk. Saw children toting around candy apples and made a mental note to look into candy apple goodness after my pizza and corndog. What I didn't notice was the amount of candy apples that were being tossed into the trash - I really should pay more attention. In any event, when it came time to eat the candy apple, I got stumped. It was too big to fit IN my mouth, and when I tried to cut it, I broke a knife trying to get through the Teflon-like outer shell. Not to be defeated, I worked that thing until I finally got a slice off and ate a bite. And regretted it fucking immediately.

what the hell is on this apple? i think only a diamond can penetrate this shell. or me with a plastic knife. the dipper has said on more than one occasion that i could break an anvil with a rubber mallet. that's pretty much the truth.

So I threw it away. That's when I noticed all the other candy apples with barely a dent in them in the trash. Someone could seriously get hurt with one of those things. I considered carrying it with me for use later as a weapon if needed but it was pretty sticky.

Number two! I went to the petting zoo! I love the petting zoo! I petted the emu, a whole bunch of baby goats, a llama (no spitting - whew!), and looked at the cases of baby chicks hatching from their shells. Awww... so so so so cute! I walked further in and peered with great interest into the next cage expecting something else cuddly and sweet when SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BOA CONSTRICTOR.

Listen. Whoever set this petting zoo up, LISTEN TO ME NOW. No one wants an unexpected boa constrictor. No one. You can't put a boa constrictor between the emu and the chicks hatching out of shells and expect no one to scream "OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT IT'S A HUGE ASS SNAKE" in front of children. You really are just asking for trouble, so let's just learn our lesson and move on with the day. No more unexpected boa constrictors. Although it occurs to me that boa constrictors may just be very misunderstood animals. They're out there looking for love, just like the rest of us. And when they find you, there're all like "AW, GIMME A HUG!" and it's really  not their fault that they're just good huggers. I think boa constrictors could give bears a run for the money in the hug department because it's in their nature to be hugging. And when they hug, they hug with their whole bodies, not just arms! And probably they have less ticks and fleas. And when they accidentally scrunch you just a bit too hard, they're all like "Ooopsie! Darn the luck, this one's dead now too. Whelp, better not let this perfectly good carcass go to waste - down the hatch!" and eat you! Talk about efficiency!

the petting zoo also had the most adorable mosh pit on the face of the earth. it wasn't labeled that way, but i knew what they meant. 

Moving on to number three!

this is why i will always wear rubber soled footwear at the fair. i'm pretty sure this is unsafe.  

Number four!

a bee stung me while i was riding the swings, high up in the air. how the hell did this happen? why was a bee all the way up there? and how did it land on me while i was swinging through the air? i seriously don't understand how that happened. but i did get to ride on a golf cart and go to first aide! that's kind of like the scrambler. 

And lastly number five:

the boy scouts got no game at the fair this year.

This didn't make me question the TVA and I Fair, but it really made me laugh:

Look!!! It is a Princess Scarecrow Girl Scout!!! It says so and everything.

Lastly lastly, I give you this week's moment in what the hellity:

and they didn't even invite me. i almost went anyway. lieutenant dan iiiceee crreeeeaaaam! (points to whoever gets that and says it like it sounded in the movie) 

And this technically wasn't ON the stairs, but it was close by, so I'm taking it:

don't mind if i do.

And just because I'm funny (in my mind):

And with that, I'm gone. Over and out!