Everyone's in luck. You're welcome, Internet.

What the Hell Wednesday came early. It's like Christmas but better because you don't have to wrap anything which is good because I'm all out of everything but duct tape.

So today starts, and I'm very industrious and busily engaged and working like the devil for the lord when I hit a moment between projects and my mind wandered and I thought oh I should go to the bathroom OH I better record my period which started yesterday and I grabbed my phone and I opened my menstrual app (yep it's a thing - because if it's one question a woman gets asked every time she goes to the doctor and she never had a real answer for until the advent of the smart phone it's "what's the first day of your last period" and dammit sometimes I want to give a real answer and not some..... 'ummm... a few weeks ago?' bullshit) AND THEN THIS HAPPENED. IT DID.

evidently i'm mount saint megan

At first I was kind of like, oh yeah my period is DUE today but it came yest... it was yesterd.... um... is that a volcano? It is a volcano. Um... why is there a volcano? Is the volcano - HOSHIT AM I THE VOLCANO?

Because if so that means I'm in for a world of hurt. I need to get on the horn stat with a gyno and get like... um.... some CREAM or something to clear this up because it sounds at BEST very stingy and at worst very deadly. And exceedingly burn-ey and painful in between.

Although, think of the side effects.... BEST BIRTH CONTROL EVER. No sir! I warn you! Do NOT put your ding dong up there! There will be consequences and you WILL NOT like them! That could be a good thing but I usually start my period at night and I don't want to wake up to the smell of burning mattress and be like OH CRAP REALLY. Guess I gotta go by Bed Bath and Beyond AGAIN today. Where's that 20% off coupon when you need it?

And what do I use - a frick'ing FIRE EXTINGUISHER for a tampon? I AM SO CONFUSED. But then a benefit - I could be all like "Don't you make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!!!" And then if whoever continues to piss me off and I get mad and bend over and be like "FEAR MY WRATH" and burn those mother fuckers to a crisp! Then I'd just straighten up, brush volcanic ash out of my hair and go on about my day.

Lord. The possibilities are endless..... What have we learned here today, kids?

DON'T LET MEN DESIGN ANYTHING WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN'S HYGIENE.

I think we'll all be better off. But to whatever idiot who thought this was a good idea: thank you. You made my morning hysterically funny.