What is wrong with you fools?

In the midst of merriment at the office holiday party, I took a few minutes to open my Christmas cracker. I mostly wanted the paper crown to wear, but I also wanted to see what my toy prize was.

Imagine my surprise when I found THIS monstrosity:

at first i was all - oh look a magic trick! then i read the directions. but when i got bored about halfway through, i realized i'd been DUPED.

What. The. Hell, ya'll. Some idiot tried to pass a math puzzle off as a GAME. In a CHRISTMAS CRACKER. SEE?

i'm pretty sure jesus wasn't born just so that we can do addition, dingbat.

Children of America! Do not fall for this frivolity and ridiculousness! Christmas is a time for mind-numbing, not MATH. I REBUKE YOU, CHRISTMAS CRACKER!

All I got for today. Over and out.

I think my hair dryer is trying to kill me

Actual conversation from years ago at a friend's house in Sarasota, Fla.:

Amanda, stomping in the room: YOUR HAIRDRYER ALMOST SET MY HAIR ON FIRE.

Me: What are you talking about?

Amanda: IT SPITS SPARKS.

Me: No, it doesn't, it just makes funny clickey sounds every now and again.

Amanda: OTHERWISE KNOWN AS FIRE.

Me: Oh, you took the diffuser off. I always use it with the diffuser, and it doesn't get sparks on me.

Kristina: I THOUGHT I saw a spark come out of it yesterday when I used it! Megan, that hair dryer is dangerous!!

Me: No, not if you use the diffuser -  you put it on and it covers the blowey hole.

Rachel: What are y'all talking about?

Kristina: Megan is the proud owner of a deadly hair dryer and is refusing to throw it away.

Me: It's got a hunk of plastic covering the top! It's fine!

Amanda: The hunk of plastic being held together with duct tape?

Me: It's fine! The sparks can't get to my hair!

Rachel: Oh my God, Megan you are using a flame thrower as a hairdryer? And you're ok with this? Give it to me. (throws in the trash) Now go buy a new hairdryer.

Fast forward about five years, in my bathroom at home yesterday:

Me, out of the shower drying my hair with my hairdryer procured in Florida on that trip, bent over double, drying away. I notice a small blister on one toe and when I reached out to touch it my forearm brushed against the cord of the newer hairdryer.

And it electrocuted me. ELECTROCUTED ME.

All of a sudden I remembered the flame thrower hairdryer and the one time I borrowed my father's hair dryer and it sucked all my long hair up in the intake on the back of it and I had to cut myself free from the hairdryer. What am I doing to amass this stockpile of deadly hairdryers?

I'm so confused. Over and out.

Today I feel part spook, part pixie, and part Christmas elf

Halloween has once again come and gone, and yes I watched my favorite Halloween movies (Nightmare Before Christmas and Practical Magic) about 500 times. Apiece. And yes, Sharon and I once again planned and pulled off an epic Halloween party. Let's get to it!

This year's theme was the movie Clue. If you don't know that movie, you are missing out - Netflix it immediately! Sharon was super cute about everything and designed these invitations to go in them:

wallace paper company, ya'll.... look into it.

Sharon and I, naturally, waited until the last minute and made our costumes ourselves. Seriously, I was up until midnight two nights that week.

mrs. white and miss scarlett. 

pretty good likeness, i must say

And, in the spirit of the evening, we both attempted to kill each other.

it is halloween after all.

Then, we made peace, but we still were pretty wary of each other.

keeping a weather eye out for a sneak attack

 Fun time with family and friends!

johnna as dia del muerta sugar skull, mrs. white, miss scarlett and regina as the billiard room

philippa as professor plum and me as her nemesis, dr. plum

 

this picture is reason 100 million my mother is adorable: selfie with johnna after a pee break powwow.

During the evening I was preparing another cookie sheet of pizza rolls to go in the oven (don't judge). As soon as the oven was heated, I went to slide the sheet in when it tipped and all the pizza rolls fell into the bottom of the oven. Quickly, friend Felicia and I got them out of the 425 degree oven, including the ones that fell into the warming drawer below.

Or so I thought.

I woke Monday morning to three missed phone calls and four frantic text messages from Sharon. All along the lines of MOUSE!!! MOUSE!!!! YOU ARE NEVER ALLOWED TO COOK IN MY OVEN EVER EVER EVER AGAIN THERE IS A MOUSE AND THE DOG IS USELESS!!!!

that's a mouse enjoying him some delicious delicious pizza roll. 

 Oh wait! Speaking of mice:

I'M SO TOTALLY GOING TO DISNEY WORLD IN THE SPRING!!!!

To pregame for my upcoming Disney visit, friend Kristi invited me and the Leading Lady to partake on the newly opened Disney on Ice Princesses and Heroes and Frozen and a Bunch Of Other Stuff where People Lip-Sync Badly to Every Disney Song Ever.

It was pretty awesome. Check out the four princess out for a night on the town:

kristi and bunny were kind enough to bring loaner tiaras.

And yes. The Disney College Program indoctrinated me. It did. I drank the Kool-Aide. And I can sing pretty much just about every song they played the other night. And I tried my very hardest to sing as loudly as I could without drowning out the children singing and attracting the attention of their non-princess-ey attired parents. At one point Bunny shrieked "PETER PAN!!!" when a new musical scene started and some sailors came out, and I said "No, that's Little Mermaid." When she retorted with a "NU-UH!" I pointed out Prince Eric AND the fact that the sailors were sailors, not pirates, and they were singing "Fathoms Below." (way to sic burn on a 7-year-old, Megan!)  Sooner or later Kristi noticed I was singing EVERY SONG so I blamed it on my years working at the park, but then when Frozen started - and I was still singing - she knew the truth. I just really really really REALLY like Disney movies.

and i'm super super stoked about my upcoming trip to the land of the mouse!

And speaking of the Leading Lady, she's bad to run off with my phone and when I get it back it's full of pics like this:

not my toothy grins

not my feet

not my funny faces

So now it's once again holiday season YES I SAID IT. It is; Santa went into the mall today officially so I'm having none of your "too soon!" rain on my parade. My SANTA CLAUS parade.

they're heeeeeereee.....

Lastly, I leave you with this. The girls are chasing each others' tails:

you guys are both playing a losing game.

And that's all I got for today. Over and OUT!

Look quick! I'm being serious for a second.

I don't like to debate. I don't like arguments. I don't like verbal fisticuffs of any sort, and I hate self-righteousness and false piety. I loathe patronizing tones, and I absolutely abhor egotistical sanctimony. All that said.... I can't help what I know is written on my heart.

That Amendment 1 is some real crap, y'all.

What it comes down to - for me - is this: you want to take decisions that are mine, about my health and my body, away from ME (A, #1), away from my DOCTOR (B, #2) and give decision making abilities to a legislator?

What? *head spins*

Furthermore, and this is just me, again, it is absolutely unfathomable that someone who - ahem - lacks my biological complexities is assuming it's OK to amend our state constitution to make rules about my lady bits when their undercarriage is vastly different than mine.

I rebuke you, sir.

Not to mention, in an era where I hear cries for small government, small government! This is now proposing we add more regulations to an industry that is already regulated successfully?

Go eat some pie if you're bored. I have my hands full trying to dispel your nasty rumors about "women's rights." I have not heard anyone in the vote yes corner inform specifics about this pending legislation other to give vague assertions that "it's good."

Y'all, no one wants to have an abortion. No one wants to have to give someone an abortion. No one thinks Tennessee is an abortion destination - and what the hell does that even MEAN? It sounds like the worst honeymoon ever; like a trip NO ONE wants to go on. I realize I'm a grown up lady with a bean or two in my noodle, and I take measures to make sure I don't end up pregnant, but trust me - I do take comfort in knowing there's a last minute "not for me!" decision I can make. Yes, I want to live in a world where every pregnancy is feted with showers and booties and every child is raised in a loving, healthy and clean home. We don't live in that world, y'all. And passing this amendment will force unhappy, sad women who for what ever reason need an abortion, to seek care illegally in unregulated (insert gross place here). If anyone thinks this is going to stop abortions, they are 100% wrong.

Furthermore, this is the most patronizing piece of drivel I've heard initiated. This legislation does nothing but take away my rights and the rights of every woman in Tennessee. Every time I start thinking of this I picture a fat man in a suit patting my head and saying "There, there, little one. You're too pretty to make decisions of this magnitude, so I'm going to make them for you. Shh!!"

*punch punch punch*

To paraphrase Caitlin Moran from "How to be a Woman," raise your hand if you have a vagina. Now, raise your hand if you want to be in charge of making decisions about your vagina.

DING DING DING DING DING!!!

Congratulations, you're a feminist. And for the love, look through the gauze that's been looped around this proposed amendment and see it for what it is. Make informed decisions.

Bag full of bridal shower!

This isn't technically a real post, just a funny conversation I had the other day:

Sharon: OH! I'm glad you're here. I have a bag full of stuff I've been meaning to return to you for ages.

Me: Oh, thanks, but I don't remember lending you anything?...

Sharon: It's a bunch of stuff I've had forever - here, I borrowed a towel from you....  oh, and here's some tupperware you left at my house.... and OH - this is for your mom; it's stationary I made for her as a thank you for the game dinner last spring - sorry so late, Mary Ann! and here's some straps that go to that top I gave you.... and here - I had an extra Crock Pot liner I thought you might could use.

Me: Wow. This is like... a whole bridal shower in one bag.

Sharon: and you can keep the bag too! It's for your computer.

all that's missing is a groom

Over and out.

Most Horrifying Thing I've Found To Date On The Stairs

The stairs have been somewhat less than fruitful these days. Not much to show or write about. Well, the most exciting thing lately was this:

i see london, i see france

But! Yesterday morning, I found the most horrifying, terrible, oh-god-is-this-real-or-some-kind-of-effed-up-performance-art.

i'm pretty sure that's blood

I am a slow learner. I'm not always the sharpest knife in the drawer. But I have learned one thing, and that is that if you find yourself wondering "Is that blood?" Chances are good that YES IT'S BLOOD. Check your person immediately to verify that it's not your blood. It did remind me of that time we went to the Confederate War Memorial here in town and was told that there was blood still on the walls from the Confederate wounded and I was all excited to see Civil War blood but NO, it was just like a few drops of blood and PLEASE even I know what happens when you get shot - this was more like paper cut blood or something. And who leaves blood on walls anyway? This is poor housekeeping at its finest. What were they thinking when the war was over? "No no no! Leave that blood there! School children will want to see that on field trips in the years to come!"

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED HERE? 

I don't know. Over and out.

Pumpkin Spice Lattes!

Kidding. I hate pumpkin. I don't like pumpkin pie especially, although DJ Smith took me to a pumpkin patch last year and I made that into a pie that was really good. See?

pumpkin selected

pretty pie made

But, I put my hatred of pumpkin aside and went with sis-in-law Kim and sis-in-law Mama Jean and we went to Marble City Glassworks one evening and blew pumpkins of our very own!

It was kind of intimidating at first. I had the glassworks instructor, Matt, tell me all the rules before I went traipsing around the studio. There was only one rule - don't touch anything hot.

Good rule.

I'm sure there's a more technical way to explain this, but here's what you do:

you get a blob of molten glass out of this thingie on the top of your stick thing

you twirl it around so your melty glass doesn't fall on the floor

you mash it around in some color (i picked orange because i'm an original)

you melt all the colored glass in this thing

here's where things went slightly askew - matt said ok BLOW! so i blew with all my might! and broke it. lesson learned everyone - blow glass gently...

so much like my pottery experience, i started all over again. more blobs on sticks!

 

more success with gentle blowing... i finally make it to shaping my pumpkin.

and matt puts the stem on the top!

kim's turn! twirling melty glass...

dipping up molten blob...

rolling and shaping her pretty pumpkin....

and then jean goes....

twirling....

more blobs....

gentle blowing...

and success! the three of us had a great time. matt photobombs while i hold the studio cat, dinah.

and here they are cooled down and finished! aren't they fun?!!

In other news, people have been asking how my face is doing after the stabs. It's good! So much so that I think I'll get the other remaining sets of face stabs. See? Marketing works! But, in the interest of full disclosure, here's what I put on the patient referral sheet the other day:

tee hee!

All the news for today. Over and out!

Face Stabbing for Beauty

Actual phone call between Johnna and myself:

Johnna: Call this place now. They're doing a treatment of microneedling for free.

Me: What is that?

Johnna: It's an expensive treatment for wrinkles, and they're doing a session for free - I called and scheduled myself, but they're only doing it for the first 50 people. Call now!

Me: Ok. (hangs up, makes appointment, calls back) Ok, now what is this? Is it what I think it is?

Johnna: Probably. It's a small needle they stick in your face.

Me: WHAT? I'M PAYING SOMEONE TO STAB ME IN THE FACE?

Johnna: It's free! And it apparently doesn't hurt.

Me: How the hell does it work?

Johnna: I don't know. I just know it's expensive and they're doing it for free.

Which explains why I spent my lunch hour today getting stabbed in my face for free. Thousands of times. Let you know how it turns out.

Over and out.

So I went to the Fair again this year....

Because I love the fair. Actually, I went twice. The second time was to see Ginuwine but by the time that we got there the show was over. Thanks, Ginuwine. There were a lot of disappointed strippers exiting stage right when we got there. I asked one if the show was really over and she said yes and asked me to feel her forehead and note the lack of sweat cause she didn't have the necessary time to get her swerve on during the concert. I didn't touch her head. I hadn't had a tetanus shot recently. ANYWAY.

Curve ball here but follow me - I understand that I follow a lot of liberal blogs and media. I understand that most of my friends and I share the same moral compass and viewpoints. I get that. I also understand that I live in the buckle of the bible belt, but I still am rarely in the minority. Which is why, on Friday night, in the Jacobs Building, I saw a booth titled "Vote No on Amendment 1." Makes sense, I thought, then I looked again - "Vote YES on Amendment 1."

Hm.

The table was staffed by bright young things dressed in pink shirts, helpfully showing off their plastic embryos, and I almost raised my arm to say something snide to DJ Smith, when I stopped. And I dropped my arm. And I walked on without saying anything (other than an "ugh" under my breath, who are we kidding).

Because I know how I feel when I'm working the LGBT table on campus and someone points at me. Not. Cool. And I'm not just about to make someone else feel that way when they're just following their own compass.

In other, less self-righteous news, I WROTE MY FIRST REAL BIG-GIRL NEWS STORY.

It went something like this: interviewed Gary Sinise, and I'm pretty sure I sounded coherent, but the jury's out on that one. I do know my knees knocked the entire time, but WHATEVER. Later on, I was writing my story when a security guard I befriended whispered to me that Mark Whalberg was going to be walking by shortly and SH! don't tell! HAHAHAHAHAHA poor man thought I could keep a secret. So armed with my camera, I managed to get this craptacular shot.

i was promptly asked not to photograph mr. whalberg again.

Then, I managed to file my story SORT OF on time, and it got the shit edited right on out of it. I was really hoping for a Pulitzer, but that got shot to hell, so oh well. BUT, the next morning, I woke up and my byline ran right next door to the Dipster's so I'm going to file that one under WINNING.

In other, more indigestion-ey news, I judged a cupcake contest! I ate 16 cupcakes. In one sitting. By the end I was more or less dying but I pulled it off. Afterward, while I was detoxing with some water, I found the emcees shoving excess cupcakes down. I was so sugared up I almost puked.

looking super cute while doing it though!

And lastly, today at lunch I got to pet a penguin. Here she is untying Daddy's shoe.

her name is jello.

That's all the news I got for today. Over and out.

I think I'm the only one who was late to work today for a tomato butt.

This morning I was dressed and ready for work when I grabbed a load of vegetables the Roomstress and I share with a couple of our co-workers. I had packed them carefully the night before, putting on the very top the slightly squishy heirloom tomato we received in our CSA (otherwise called "organic crap that rots in my fridge"). I had my mind already on work when I notice my butt was soaking wet. Since I was already at my car, I slipped between two of the vehicles and smelled the stain - and yep. Squished tomato on my butt.

i like wet butt and i cannot lie. am i the only person who thinks any version of baby got back is funny?

my butt was right there.

And that's why I was late to work.

In other news, I'm pretty sure another mushroom is growing in my bathroom.

Over and out.

Mid-week Nonsense....

Turns out that I must have writers block or some such nonsense and I haven't felt like writing much lately. And I'm busy. But I keep taking photos of stuff and thinking tee hee how funny would that be to write about so I'm just going to make a picture montage and just show you things I've been seeing lately:

these super white shoes were worn by a man in the chicago airport on the way to seattle. how in the world does he keep them so white? and why? super confusing...

me, whale watching sans whale. don't i look pirate-ey?

fortune i got at a restaurant in san juan after eating my grinder. it was a PIZZA/chinese restaurant, which i don't understand. but apparently fortune cookies encompass all types of cuisine and that's what everyone got with the check. and i'm not sure what is going to make good sense yet but i've only been back a month so i'll just keep waiting.

important information for parents on water

hahahahahahahaha that's funny grafitti

A few months ago I posted a picture of the saddest corn plant ever. Please note: not MY corn plant! It lives in the gym of my building and has steadily declined over the months.

this corn plant has just given up

He's completely bald now too, and two of the stalks are just sticks in the dirt. The third, tallest stalk has a green shoot growing out of the bottom and I speak words of encouragement to it when I see it.

Remember the mushroom debacle of the summer of 2013?

Imagine my surprise the other day when I found THIS:

oh hell. but at least you can see my little green shoot!

So evidently I live in a spore factory or some such nonsense.

All I got for today! Over and out!