Huh. Fancy that.

I was glancing at headlines today and noticed that one of the ads online in the local paper online was in Spanish and for a second I thought I was like that guy on the West Coast who woke up with amnesia and could only speak Dutch or something but instead of understanding another foreign language (which would be pretty cool, by the way - and amnesia would be too, except I wouldn't remember my Mama and that would be sad) I had a stroke or something and my brain was now making English look gibberishy but then I realized I could, in fact, read the article which was in English, and I was a little disappointed.

de donde es this bullshit, ya'll?

In other news, I finally had the first HOORAY moment about being divorced. (Actually, the first hooray moment about being divorced was never having to spend time with my ex-mother-in-law again and anyone who knows her will be like "MEGAN HOW DARE.... weeeellll, ok. You get a mulligan on being mean this time.") But I read online that ComiCon was going on in San Diego and I thought HOORAY! I never have to go to another ComiCon again! Although I basically didn't go to any ComiCons, I pretty much stayed up in the hotel room and watched HBO in bed on clean crisp white sheets and took baths while drinking wine and wasted all the clean fluffy white towels.

If there are any fangirls out there reading this, please please please for the love stop trying to dress up like sexy comic figures. JUST STOP. Red hair dye and green paint does not a Poison Ivy make. And if I go my whole life not seeing one more Catwoman who actually looks like Catwoman's unfortunate copycat baby sister that never got the memo that pleather bodysuits really only look good on people who don't eat I'll consider it all a life well-lived.

I have very low expectations, ya'll.

on the other hand this did happen once and it was pretty groovy

In additional other news, downtown Knoxville really needs to learn about locking their shit up. Especially unattended heavy equipment in parking lots.

i'm convinced i could learn to hotwire pretty quickly. i live with a librarian after all.

 

and i'm pretty sure i could learn to operate said heavy equipment especially when they print very helpful directions on the side.

In additional other downtown news, I'm going to start a segment on my blog called "What the hell is on the stairs today?" Because there's always something on the stairs. And it's never the same thing twice. I just don't understand who's putting all these things on the stairs. And where they get their inspiration from. The other day:

pennies and tacks. of course.

I. Just. Can't. Over and Out.

Evidently I'm a huge fan of anything novelty sized

Sharon pointed out to me the other day that there were now two photos of me drinking large beverages out in public.

i like big guiness and i cannot lie

 

but as RC pointed out, hydration is important so i switched to lite beer

So you'll forgive me, but I very quickly pointed out to Sharon that she was, in fact, WRONG.

There are three pictures of me drinking novelty sized beverages.

so light and fruity!

My penchant for novelty sized items is not limited to alcoholic beverages though. I am equal opportunity.

chomp

And now I really need to pee.

Not such a big deal after all...

Conversation I had with my stylist while getting my hair cut for the first time in six months yesterday:

Stylist: So, anything new going on since I saw you last?

Me: Yeah.... a lot actually going on.

Stylist: Yeah? Like what?

Me: Well... I got divorced. That was a real shitter.

Stylist: Oh, right, that was about to go down the last time you were here.

Me: But I also learned to hoop dance. And clog. And I also ran a marathon.

Stylist: A marathon! Wow, that's quite an accomplishment.

Me: Thanks. Actually, it's not that big of an accomplishment.

Stylist: You don't think full marathon is not an accomplishment?

Me: Well. It's just one foot in front of the other for a long long way. It's not a cure for cancer or even the common cold. I didn't raise money for anything by doing it and in fact I got a helluva sunburn along the way, so it actually wasn't that good for my body either.

Stylist: Well, yeah, but the dedication and determination it must have taken to do that! That's an achievement!

Me: Actually, no - it's less dedication and determination and more about being stubbon. Which is actually a bad thing in the long run and may have had a lot to do with the divorce in the first place. I should really quit running. Or maybe start and then give up after a mile or two. Might be better for my psyche that way.

And SCENE. This is less of a post about running and more of a commentary that I just realized that running marathons really isn't that big a deal. It really is a five hour block of time where I just refuse to stop moving. That doesn't mean anything, or make anything better. I'm pretty much just going in a circle.

You know. I'm just going to stop here. Read this if you want to read something fun about running.

In other news, someone who is NOT MY MOM made a comment on my blog!!! That is the second time that has happened and I thought it was noteworthy. The fact that it *might* be spam is duly noted but WHATEVER. I'm taking it. If it's spam they're doing it wrong because it makes no mention of penis cream or Viagra because I'm not in the market for either of those things. I am, however, in the market for affirmation and kind words and that was what was left as a comment on my blog, so maybe in fact that was just a CLEVER marketing ploy to lure me in and gain my trust, then sell me as a slave bride to someone in Russia. Is Russia still around, guys? If it is, I'm still pretty sure I don't want to go there, so please don't do that to me. Unless my future Russian fiance has a pool, and then maybe I'll think about it. If he makes good nachos then it's a deal. Or if she does. Is gay marriage legal in Russia? I'm pretty sure it is because I'm not quite sure if Russia is still with us or not. Ok I Googled it. Russia's still around, but I sure don't hear a lot about it anymore. Well. Since like second grade. When we studied Russia. And all I remember was I made a replica of some cathedral in Moscow out of salt dough and it was a real work of art. What I didn't eat of it that is. (I had a problem with eating salt dough. And cat food. And we didn't have a cat.)

ANYWAY, where was I? Oh yeah. Random blog comment. Thank you. It made my day.

And also, one of my favorite bloggers totally used a word that I use for emphasis ALL. THE. TIME. So holy shit maybe she's reading my blog and loves my style. THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME. Or maybe it was her word she uses for emphasis and I'm using it now because I read her so much? NO. NOT POSSIBLE. You know what? Forget I mentioned it.

I'm so tired now.

le gasp! could it be the sincerest form of flattery????

Peaces out, throws hangers out the window, falls asleep,
Megan

Just One Year

A few months ago, Regina and I were spending an evening in the Downton Loft. We were in the middle of weekly clogging and hooping lessons, and most evenings wound up with an impromptu clogging and hooping demonstration. We were both laughing and sweating (and listening to Nobody Gonna Break My Stride - DON'T JUDGE!) when all of a sudden, I said:

"A year ago from this moment if someone had told me that I'd be living with you downtown hoola hooping while you clog dancing in our pajamas at 10 PM on a school night, I woulda said they were crazy."

And just like that... little revelations started showing up out of thin air. And it occurred to me... nothing is the same anymore. I mean, paging Dr. Obvious... but wow. Nothing is the same.

I don't even wear the same clothes that I used to.

So over the last few months, anytime something oddball or random or strange that's not so oddball or random or strange anymore occurs, I think - gosh. If one year from this moment ago, you told me that I'd be (fill in the blank) right now, I'd say you were crazy. And today I got to thinking...

Holy shit. HOLY SHIIIIIIT.

Who will my friends be in a year?

Where will I have traveled in that time?

What am I going to be doing one year from this moment NOW?

Will I even live here?

But oddly enough, the Why doesn't matter so much right now; the answer is "just 'cause I can."

I can't even be sick properly

I feel like a failure at everything. EVERYTHING.

Last week I went to the doctor to sort out what may or may not have been strep throat (it was). That's the first thing: I get illnesses and maladies that only children should be suseptible to, not adults. Like ringworm. And pink eye. And whenever I get hives I do not get them on my trunk like grownups do, I get them on my FACE. ANYWAY. I was happy to learn that the science behind the strep test had evolved so that they could test me immediately and get the results, write me a script for some penicillin and I could be on my merry little way. GREAT, let's do that - and the nurse comes at me with a cotton swab the size of a long jump pole and was actually surprised when I asked what she was doing.

So... the science has evolved so that we don't have to send slobber covered Q-Tips to a lab across town, but has NOT evolved so that we don't have to gag patients left and right? THIS MAKES NO SENSE. After she convinced me that she was not giving me and out dated strep test, I let her proceed to stick the long jump pole Q-Tip down my throat, and yes I gagged.

Not a pretty sight.

Yesterday morning I woke up and my hand hurt so bad the first thing I did at work was Google "how to tell if your hand is broken" then text frantically an accident prone friend and got his advice on how to pop a finger back into its socket. I was asking a colleague about how quickly arthritis can develop when she mentioned that maybe I just slept on my hand funny.

...

....

....

So evidentally, I'm injuring myself in my sleep. THE HELL?

In other news, I did this:

like a boss

Over and out,
M

Yea Yea Yea I was on TV for something fancy!

Finally getting the press I deserve.

Hope to see you all at the show Saturday! YEEE HAW!!!

30 years of note passing has perfected my skillz. And they are mad.

Yesterday I went to leave a note on the community notepad in the loft, and after my quick scribble I flipped through the notes I'd been leaving Regina over the last few months.

Evidently I leave hilarious notes. In my head I do anyway. Here's my favorites:

"WHO IS FABULOUS TODAY? Hint - mirrors are involved. - M"

"Ok off to run a few, back by 10 then I'll swiffer the shit out of this mother fucker. Then brunch at 11:30? Then play? Smooches, M." (Regina drew in check yes or no boxes and checked "yes." Because brunch.)

"Regina. Did you do this?
Please for the love of god say 'yes' because if you say 'no' that means WE HAVE A GODDAMN MOUSE. OR RAT. OR FUCKING RACCOON.
If 'yes' please cut this in two and bag. If 'no' please fucking burn my nice loaf of bread with gasoline. Outside of course. A FIREMAN is coming to supper.
JESUS."

"Blood is different that vomit." (I.... Have nothing on yet one but it's definitely my handwriting.

"I am the loudest most dreadfullest roommate ever an I am sorry! I try and tippy toe but I am an elephant! And I yell at the neighbors but they are jerks and deserve it. But you do not. I am very sorry and am about to pick up all the recycling and it is noisy. So so so sorry! Shhhh! Megan! Sh!
I never listen. XO-M"

"Eggs, G2, fabreeze." (I do leave a few normal notes)

"DEATH TO ALL SICK BASTARDS. Don Draper, I'm looking at YOU. Mother fucker.
P.S. Sick fuck."

"Off to the grocery, back in a flash. Dinner in Westeros? Oh, I bought us a present! Play hide the pickle and see of you can find it! XO-M"

"KNIFE. Remember we own KNIVES.  If we need to practice cutting bread we can. XO-M"

Turns out that grace is not a superpower I possess

Last weekend was the annual trek up Mt. LeConte with my parent's church family. Last year I went up with them by myself, but this year I was lucky to have the company of friends Regina and Sharon.

before we hit the trail. everyone's face pretty much sums up how the hike went for each of us.

Neither Sharon nor Regina had made this hike before so I tried to be very helpful and tell them what they should pack up to the lodge. But then I made fun of both of them when they packed things like bug spray. And bite kits. And ponchos and bandaids and wet wipes and makeup and etc., etc., etc. You get the idea.

We hiked up and back the Alum Cave trail. It is the most beautiful trail up in my opinion - just so much stuff to see. I hiked up last in December with one Pretty Princess and although I hated to miss her on this trip, a part of her was with me - her old hiking shoes she left behind after her visit!

Sites and sounds from the trip:

sharon channelling her inner baby a la dirty dancing (yes she did this over every foot bridge we crossed. and we crossed a lot of them.)

It wasn't very hot, but I love all things water, so nothing would do when we got to Arch Rock but to take off shoes and play in the creek. I thought the three of us could reprise the Sirens from O Brother Where Art Thou, but the ladies were having none of it.

regina is a bathing beauty

i'm sure i'm saying something profound here

 

the trail goes up through the rock over sharon's shoulder

 

mama and dipsey show up while we're splashing around

 

we press on from arch rock to inspiration point

 

the weather was awesomesauce - it's not usually this clear and dry

 

just one of the eleventy billion pictures we took that day of the incredible views

 

 

We stopped for lunch along the trail and ate sitting on a wet log from which we founded the Wet Butt Society. Regina had a wet butt from her experience at Arch Rock, so she was a senior member, while newbies Sharon and I are only junior members. I also proceeded to make further fun of the non-necessities they had packed only to have karma bite me in the (wet) butt when I stood up I planted my hand right in a big splotch of wet sap. Regina kindly offered me a wet wipe, but I insisted that wet wipes are for pussies and I de-sapped myself the old fashioned way:





 

if i rubbed it long enough the sap came right off. i also told them that i was going to brush my teeth that night with pinetree branch because toothbrushes are for divas.

 

we make it to the top!

 

Once I get up, I like to clean up real quick before you get cold. We ran through quick wash downs and then - the ceremonial washing of the hair.

 

excuse me for wanting to practice good hygiene

 

Then, games! Molly teaches us how to play dominoes - and now I own dominoes. It was a very fun game. Regina, Sharon and I played with three teenagers, Molly, Laura and Phillip. When I shrieked, LET'S HAVE A CHERRY STEM TYING CONTEST five hands flew into the bag of cherries I had on the table and Regina commentated and ten seconds later Sharon and I tied for the win. The youngsters were understandably impressed.

 

dominoes and cherry stems makes for a fun game day

 

laura caught me a pet mosquito i named paris hilton

 

regina wins dominoes

 

i win dominoes!

 

and sharon has a pet deer

 

roommate love at supper time

 

mama and sharon at supper

 

and us with the dipper!

 

sunset at clifftops

 

sunrise at clifftops!

 

post church sunday morning

 

double fisting tea at breakfast

 

one last pic before time to hike back down to civilization

 

We had been hiking for about thirty minutes before I slipped on a wet rock and fell right slap off the trail. It scared the hell out of everyone, especially me. I had that split second thinking where you're able to think about twelve things all at once, and they all mostly were of the "oh shit is this really happening yup I'm falling right off this trail" variety. But fortunately:

 

the dear stpbj saw fit to grow this tree in just the right spot some years ago and the tree broke my fall

 

Wait. Was it the STPBJ, or was it:

 

zen baby d. oh, zen baby d, what is the meaning of life?

 

Sharon's trail name was Zen Baby D because she has plans to build an ashram at Gracie's Pulpit, shave her head and live a life of silent reflection. Regina's trail name was Chummy (short for Chumbawumba) cause when she got knocked down, she got up again. You ain't never gonna keep her down. I was Pants on Fire because allegedly I exaggerate things like "how much further?" "Just over that ridge!" and "This is the steepest part of the hike. Honest!"

 

Although I landed in moss and was completely unscathed even though I fell off a mountain, the fall did create one casualty:

 

pretty princess, your hiking boots are toast!!!

 

fortunately, sharon had some tevas i could trade my boots out for

 

And finally -

 

starting selfie

 

ending selfie! no worse for the wear! (stop looking at me like that, regina!!!)

 

Good times! Had a great time on the hike and am super glad I'm not a grease mark at the base of Mt. LeConte.

 

In other news, Sharon and I met all the village people:

 

keepin' it real

 

And this happened:

 

europa and the bull

 

So, despite an overwhelming lack of grace, I still managed to ride a bull.

 

Over and out.