Just to get that old post out of the way....

thanks chocolate wrapper. you ain't so bad yourself.

I consider the day off to a good start if I don't gag while taking my morning medicine.

This is true. Days I don't start by choking on pills are good days. And they're half pills too. God forbid I swallow a whole pill. I have had a cough that won't go away for days now (thanks, whooping cough VACCINATE YOUR CHILDREN) and had to swallow bunches of pills post-doc appointment and thought I was going to lose my lunch. On further thought... maybe I should have taken the pills before eating part of a salad (covered in weird cheese I couldn't identify so I ate only the clean lettuce leaves and left the rest) creamed chicken patties with asparagus and a whole strawberry shortcake for dessert. And two rolls. Because it all threatened to come right back up toot sweet. Also? The doctor gave me samples of depression meds, but they were starter sets - three months' worth so I was NOT going to turn that down, but I only take half doses, so the starter pills are red, the 2nd stage pills (my pills) are orange, and the full dose pills are blue (I can do math so I break these in half so a script lasts twice as long). So - my options are daily: two red pills or one orange or one half blue. Got it? I didn't want to lug around all those blister packs for the next three months so last night I popped them all out into a pill bottle and now my depression meds look like a pill bottle full of Skittles.

Taste the rainbow indeed. Channel One, I blame YOU. Chris Whittle, do you hear me sir???

In other news, I went dress shopping the other day. At a wedding dress store. And yes. I straight up bought a wedding gown. Cause I burned the first one. And I wanted one. To wear. To brunch. And I don't feel one ounce of bad about it. But I double dog dare you to go into a wedding dress store (David's Bridal, the Tijuana of wedding finery) and dodge every question about dates and seasons and how many are in the bridal party with a shriek that sounds something along the lines of "BUT I JUST WANT TO BUY A DRESS. OFF THE RACK, DO YOU MAKE THOSE???"

Turns out yes. Yes they do. And now I own one. And I saw this in the store. And loved it. I don't even mind the typo.

caution falling glitter

All I got for today. Over and out.

Oh wait! One more thing. Campus has been taken over by a large group of high school students. They're everywhere and they travel in packs. I was walking behind a group the other day when they approached the entryway to the library and paused. All of them. And one of them, very hesitantly, reached out and swung the door open which flew out and banged on the hand rail. They all marveled in another language and saw me and I said "You put too much pepper on it!" which was probably didn't translate and was just confusing. In any event they went into the foyer and paused again at the inner door and one of them looked at me and said "Where are the automatic doors?"

Um. Where are these children from that they don't understand how doors work? This magical land where doors open of their own accord - these mystical, magical opening doors?

Anyway, to make them feel more at home I pressed the wheelchair button and let the door open automatically for them. Then one of them asked if it was OK to be in the library and I thought about saying "No. Get out." But that seemed mean and they really seemed appreciative that I figured out the mystery of how doors work and Disney kicked in and I told them that of course they were welcome and that we have 3 and a half million volumes across four branch libraries on campus and that the first Starbucks in Knoxville was the one in the library. They liked the Starbucks part.

OK. Now I'm done.

Mostly because I want a new post

But honestly, not a lot is going on besides work. Instead, I went through my camera through the last year and found some things I meant to blog about and never got around to.

amber tried to sew these pants.

here's how they came out.

old timey photo! roomstress and me right before christmas.

i would like to point out that yes it's obvious that whoever wrote this while pooping, however my eye was drawn to the "carnies rule" which i think we can all agree is true but seeing as how this is followed by a "?" i have to only assume that the writer was either being sarcastic or ironic. anyway. bathroom graffiti is usually good for a laugh. or a head scratcher - either one. 

That's all I got for today. Over and out.

UPDATED: Childless Wonder

Honestly, it breaks my heart to write this. It does. But I took a quick straw poll this morning, and I found out that I'm not alone.

I cry every time a friend announces that they're pregnant.

Every.

Single.

Time.

And not in a good "oh I'm so happy for you!" way. And not in a few tears squeaked out the corners of my eyes that I dab away and go on about my day. Sometimes it's worse to find it out through something impersonal like Facebook, and sometimes it's worse when you hear it in person and you have to spend the rest of the evening biting the inside of your mouth to keep a smile on your face.

Which explains my morning sobbing on the bathroom floor. OBVIOUSLY.

It's not that I'm not happy for my friends. I am. And I'll say the right things and throw baby showers and be the first one to the hospital and the first one to arrive with a casserole. I will. I have. I do. I will again.

But... it's hard knowing that it'll never be me.

It'll never be me.

No pictures of growing tummies, no daddy-to-be waiting to patiently wait to feel a kick, no sonogram photos to tape to the fridge, no excitement of a big fat changing body, no eagerly anticipating a big announcement to parents, none of it.

It'll never be me. It just won't.

Several years ago I was at the doctor and she was trying to figure out what was going on with my insides, and she gave me a sonogram. She was surprised, and kind of fought me when I asked for the pictures. But I insisted, and she finally gave me a printout. Might be my only time to advertise my insides.

But I'm not alone! There are the other childless wonders out there who cry at pregnant announcements. That helps. It doesn't fix anything. But it's comforting to not be alone.

It takes me by surprise honestly. It's a sudden kick in the teeth, like someone heavy just sat on my chest. I don't see it coming - I hear the good word and the next minute I'm bawling like my life is over. I don't understand it. I'm not jealous. I don't covet others' happiness. I don't get it. But apparently it's a thing.

Not alone. I tell you what is alone though:

my insides

UPDATED: I adopted two kittens tonight. I'm *pretty sure* one has nothing to do with the other.