Don't let them fool you. Superman is really a big fat jerk.

I came home last night and the Roomstress was in the middle of a movie, Superman Returns. And she was an hour into it, and I didn't want to make her see the first half all over again, so she gave me this summary before watching the rest of the film:

R: Ok, so you know that Krypton blew up and he had no home, right? So there are these scientists who have discovered that Krypton MAY NOT have blown up, and he leaves Earth to go find out. He doesn't tell Lois Lane he's leaving by the way -

M: WHAT?

R: I know, right? And old Clark Kent over there - oh, incidentally Clark disappears for the same amount of time, but no one seems to notice his 5-year absence.

M: WHAT? FIVE YEARS? It takes 5 fricking years to determine if Krypton's blown up for sure?

R: YES. And oddly enough, Lois is pissed that Superman disappeared for five years. SHOCKER. But now he's back, and in the meantime, Lois has gotten her a boyfriend - BOYFRIEND, not husband, and they have a child together.

M: Well, that's very telling.

So we proceed to watch the rest of the movie. And at the end, I turned to R and said:

M: Soooooo..... Superman is pretty much a dick, right?

R: Yup. And Lois isn't much of a mother.

Dear Superman Returns,

How dare you. I think you have family values a bit off kilter.

First of all, congratulations for officially typecasting James Marsden as jilted-lover-of-all-time. The Notebook, X-Men, even Enchanted for Pete's sake. CAN THAT POOR MAN NOT END UP WITH THE GIRL JUST ONCE? Look at him!

helllooooo, nurse....

I feel him. I MEAN. I feel FOR him. That's it. Ahem.

Second... why in  the hell would Lois Lane KNOWINGLY take her child on a stranger's boat, rummage around and wander hither thither and yon until Lex Luthor comes out? WHY. I don't care that you're a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist - you are also a MOTHER. Word around town says that trumps "writer." Also - you're a jerk to Clark Kent and a puddle around Superman. That means you are a JERK. I bet you're mean to waiters in restaurants.

And Superman? Lois Lane is a jerk to Clark Kent but a puddle around you! THAT MEANS SHE'S A JERK. Why are you putting up with this nonsense?

Now, far be it from me to point fingers, but Lois, I can do math. I'm pretty sure you can too, cupcake. And if you've got a boyfriend who is under the impression that he's fathered your child, AND you wrote an article about spending the night with Superman.... well, it never crossed your mind that you might, just MIGHT, have given birth to someone else's BABY? And it takes Junior throwing a piano for you to raise your eyebrows, hmmmmmm??? Really?

Ok. At this point I was feeling James Marsden I MEAN. Feeling FOR. Feeling FOR. Because I expected Lois and Superman to come clean and 'fess up to poor Richard that he'd been RAISING SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD FOR FIVE YEARS and run off into the sunset a happy little trio leaving James Marsden for me to comfort. (there there, James Marsden, shhhhh.....) That would have been the good thing. The honorable thing.

BUT YOU DON'T. You let him continue to think that's his son and life goes on just as normal as can be, and and and.... AND!!! As a veteran of dramatics, I can assure, with all my might that - two things:

1. Living a lie and continuing a relationship ensures the relationship WILL EVENTUALLY END.
2. And when it ends, IT WILL NOT END WELL.

NOW. Superman, I'm looking at you: ABSENTEE FATHER MUCH?

You leaving, brah? Not gonna hang around and play catch? Not going to be there for Junior's baseball games? Not gonna ground him when he comes home with bad grades? Child support? Anything?

Is this the message you really wanna send? Because I promise you Junior will learn every line to Henry Chapin's "Cats and the Cradle" and sing it the rest of his life. AT you.

Over and out.

P.S.